So hey blog. Past few days, well the good and bad events can compete, and I'm hanging in there. The three days when I was dizzy, I didn't perform well while working. So I got some exercise the following last day as Ah Wei said it may be due to too much rest. And the next day, I thought I performed pretty good. Yet, I kept getting reprimanded and endured some minor maligns. I bear it.. Told myself it's common..

Just wanna say this now and immediately. I just spent 80k cash, in less than 10 minutes. Left me in a daze till now. Spent 80 dollars and got nothing. It might not have left a big impact on me if it were a few weeks ago.. But now... The aftermath is this daze.. Makes me so tired.. Felt so wrong, wrong, wrong......

So today... I was asked to pay my school fees. Yeah and the bad news. My 1 month overdue phone bill came, SGD549. And yes, no allowance for a month. At that moment when I found out, I felt really hopeless, angry and the feeling of 'I really give up, really.' All the cursing starts rolling through my mind. About how I scold my father through sms, saying this saying that.. Serious, when I was sec 4, this thing happened. He did not ceased my allowance as I needa survive. Now, when he knows I'm working, he ceased my allowance, LIKE SO EASY, JUST DON'T GIVE, STOP GIVING YOU ALLOWANCE ANYTIME I WANT kinda fucked up thing. I am seriously losing it.... I wanna just cry.. breakdown.... But I keep telling myself, I'm a man, I'm a man, are you still gonna cry like some kid? Fucking get yourself up.

Solution... Thursday onwards.. I will have another part time at night... Yeah.. 8am work, 3pm school and 7pm work till 10pm. I'm made tough, I can definitely last it.



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Hello blogger! It's been awhile since.. Wow, already months have passed, next year will be coming real soon believe me. So I guess I've been well for the pass few months.. I passed all exams for professional certificate to promote to diploma. Uh... I think this is the only good thing that happened from what I recall... Couldn't think of anything else.

Not many passed all the exams for pro cert, so the new class only consist of 3 of us from the previous batch, and all other strangers. Kinda mundane turnover.

Recently, a few weeks ago, during my school holiday, I've taken a full-time job at ACH hardware company. I learned many things about hardware, the products, how things work, and most importantly, office politics. Believe me, it's a mean and tough obstacle, or rather an ordeal you'd never be done with until you quit your job. I almost ended up beating a puss. Well, won't wanna tarnish my father's... reputation.. Winding it up, I'm still working part-time at the company, now that school have started.

Regarding my dad.. parents to be straight, I'm really giving up. Too tired, emotionally. I'd cry if it's a few months or years ago, then tell myself it's my fault, and I'd try again, to try to communicate. But now, I've grown numb to the indifference.

It's not that I want to disappoint both of you.. I know I once stole money from you all.. Which kid doesn't..? I would change alright, or should I say I've changed..? But what was that for..? Everytime mum lost something, she would come to me, asking me whether did I take this, did I take that, VERY indirectly. Being really sharp as who I am, I get the hint at the very first metre of her 400m run. When I snapped, she'd come straight to the point, ‘如果你有拿你就承认，你不可以这样我跟你讲。’ (if you take it you better admit it, you can't be like this.) And she'll walk away or I'll be the one because she'll continue to 'interrogate' me. I remember the last incidence which is regarding her LV pouch. That case lasted for i think a few weeks to a month or two. Till when she found it in between sheets of clothes in the storeroom. She didn't even feel the shame.

With dad.. I know I'm wrong, 99% my fault this time. Got addicted to gaming again and maxed out the phone bills. Ceased my allowance for 4 weeks and counting already.. That's why I got a job.. Before it happened.. Dad was telling me that I can buy a new DSLR camera and a desktop during September's tech convention. He'd pay for it of course, like he had did since I was born. He even suggested to buy Kaegon a dog house, fencing, so we could leave him in the garden. Being a thrifty maniac, these words from him really surprised me. But when the phone bill came.. the 450 summed up I spent got him really disappointed, more of the right word to use than angry, and decided to cease my allowance. 150 per week.. and it's been 4 weeks now.. (With my own phone bill still overdue with 550 as I've rejected the paper bill from online) so he don't even know about it.. But knowing that I started working, is that 'not giving me allowance for the week after paying my debt' a hint that he will completely stop giving me allowance from there on? Our communication with each other was spiky, never been stable since I was young. Having this problem, he still treats me better than my brother. Like, more allowance, buy me what I want. Well, at least from point of view.. But this time round, I can really feel it, that he's not gonna care anymore. I can't feel concern and last time when we were on bad times, I would show a foul face and sulk my way through till he's out of sight. Now, there's only blank and emptiness in my eyes as we walked pass each other, likewise to him. And he's being really petty about the Bell&Ross watch that he bought last vacation. He'd come into my room and take it back and hide it in his drawer. When I wear it out he'd complain to mum to tell me about bearing the responsibilities if I were to get robbed or what. Let's talk sense.. In Singapore.. School and town, on my wrist. What are the chances..? Talking about possibilities, let's not argue about it. And it's not like I go around flaunting it, but I really, really love the brand. It's becoming ridiculous, so is this another hint..?

Sorry blogger to have to listen to me, but it's the only place I can get some comfort by writing these out.. It's not like I don't have good friends to share these to, but they are busy with the upcoming exams, and I'm really guilty sharing problems with them as partly.. I might be shunned by them. And many other reasons.. A girlfriend would do the job but I don't even know of a decent girl of my standard and who would want to go through something like this, with an epic fail guy like me, talking about the face and family. Tried to post on facebook but I don't wanna attract attention and give impression to others as 'pathetic'.

I've even imagined jumping off a building, enjoy the last moment as I fall without safety ropes, tears flowing out of my eyes as they lag behind, finally, body flat to the ground with a 'tut'. End of sorrows, pathetic. Then turned into a lost soul as I'm a free thinker, seeing those people you never even see before post on your facebook profile page saying that they care, all just to get attention from my demise. Like they even care about me when I was alive. And those who hate me put on a false front, in fact, pulling the party poppers as soon as they hear the news.

Oh well, doesn't matter, I'm already dead, IF. But soon I guess. I still haven't lost hope in tomorrow. Just wishing, hoping, to be recognized by a star or someone with skills I'm interested in, or get adopted by foster parents.. I am already all out of anticipation.. So, wanting for miracles to happen.





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