Memories, are beautiful.


Rayson Ling


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© * étoile filante
inspiration/colours: mintyapple
icons: cablelines
reference: x / x
title: ggh
date: Sunday, April 28, 2013
time: 7:23 PM

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title: packed days of Army
date: Friday, March 29, 2013
time: 1:19 AM
Ok, maybe you've seen this post title with 'rqwr' before.. it's to actually catch the last day on March 29 so a March archive will display on the blog. I should've took some time to blog during BMT, but i feel that time is so precious during those book-outs that i spend it on others. March 29.... about 1 or 2 weeks since PTP phased to BMT, it's where things get more exciting, but at the same time for me, the social group in army changed dramatically for me. It's started with 11 people in my bunk, Helmi, Joe, Hanafi, Me, Jacky, Kim Seng, Yi Ping, Hariri, Shafiq, Syarul, Vijay and Syarul. When i tell you the people left at the end of the day, you'd be shock. But be glad you're still reading the word people rather than person. Overall, my BMT was quite a bad one. A lot of things screwed up, I'll explain more in my next post.

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title: it's December 2012 in a flash
date: Wednesday, December 12, 2012
time: 2:05 AM
So, I'm going army in about 8 hours time. 12/12/12... yeah, you could say its auspicious, symbolic.. whatever. But i think it's a really bad day to get my hair shaven off. Sad to say it wasn't NDU. So SAF was quite screwed up. First they gave me a chance at NDU, then posted me to BMTC, then to SAR 42 armor unit, then posted me back to BMTC. I was really disappointed I couldn't get into the elite force. Life still goes on..

Even though I'll be bald... I hope I still can enjoy Christmas with my friends and family. What else is there to update... Couldn't think of much.

Oh yeah, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, placing it around my left side of the rib cage. 'Bear of the pain you can feel, kill all the fear you can find.'

Did I mention I was learning russian? da, eto nyet ploho, ya govoryu malo po ruskii. ya idu army! horosho! xaxaxaxa!

Alright, gotta sleep, hope I'll be able to make an interesting post around Christmas.

Bless you people out there.

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title: The updates
date: Thursday, November 1, 2012
time: 3:57 AM
alright, it's been awhile since i updated my blog. I actually missed a post in October... that's means there's no October 2012 archive. I'm actually typing this in December... gonna make this real quick.. explain in the December post.

As I think i mentioned in the previous post. Going clubbing usually... meeting new friends, throwing away some, getting back some. One of the carefree days of my life till now. Finished my Advanced diploma, hence this holiday.

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title: Time flies, without you knowing
date: Tuesday, July 31, 2012
time: 11:59 PM
Right, 2.17am now, just came back from cycling from my house to clark quay then back. Before heading home, got some chicken and beer. Decided to enjoy these while blogging (Should have streamed a movie to enjoy with). Anyway, date is August 2 2012, not the same as the one labeled on this post. As you can see on the post, July 31, 2012, 11.59pm. Yes, I suddenly remembered that day was the last of July's. Popped out of whatever I was doing at that time and logged in to blogger, hoping to publish a dummy post before it's August 1. So now that I finally found the time to blog, let's make this a long one.

Right... Gathering all the information for the past 2 months...

Okay, you can't see, but I sidetracked  to viewing the facebook's news feed...

Here goes, around mid-june, I went to Bali, well, it's supposed to be the two of us, don't know how things turned out that way. We were on the same flight, I noticed you at the pre-boarding area, but didn't wanna look or say hi. I don't know.. But after what happened.. am I supposed to..? Will I even get a reply..? Upon reaching Bali, I left the check-out first, got my luggage and went to get a taxi without looking back. So I went to Ubud and you, to Candidasa. I changed my return flight to Wednesday? Thursday? Anyway, at that point of time, I was just hoping I would not see you again. I chatted with you through facebook, but in the end, before I leave for Singapore, you replied but in the end, you still chose to ignore me. The days I spent there alone was, unexpectedly fantastic, maybe I'll talk about the trip sometime on the next post if I have the time, but just wanna highlight this, while I was in the toilet at Boom-Boom bar, these words were engraved on the wall, 'Life is a journey, jump on and enjoy the ride.)

Dad and mum knew my life at that point of time was, hard and rough. So they tried to cheer me up, the best they could from what I felt. Dad spent almost 3k for me to get my life smooth. New bicycle, oversea trip, more $, parents never fail to be there for me.

NS, yeap, I was waiting for the enlistment letter, but one day when I came home, my mum told me about a government letter, not for enlistment and she doesn't understand what it means. So I went to have a look, confused too, I went online to get more information.... BAM! I got a chance at NDU! I was so, so excited and happy, as I have researched a lot about commando, NDU and sniper, the top 3 toughest, classified unit in SAF. Eventually, I found out that NDU is currently the toughest, so yeah, what I wanted. The vocational assessment was great, got to know some touch-and-go friends who might get a chance to be divers like me. Met a familiar face inside, one of my primary school friend. Some brief explanation about the VA at NDU, did some physical test, no running, and test for water confidence, just swim for 25m. The food there at NDU is awesome, like some low-class restaurant, rice, mash-potato, chicken, vege, clam chowder, and more, even Meiji yoghurt! Then hyperbaric chamber and some brain-power chewing test, all lasted a day. 400 will get chosen for VA, only 80 will be selected to go in.

Ah... the beer is getting to me and I really wanna end here. Post the clubbing and others next time. Signing off.

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title: Leave a footstep
date: Thursday, May 31, 2012
time: 11:17 PM
Time flies. It's been about a month since I last blogged. Gonna make this a quick one as I still have to vet my project. As usual, She still treats me as a friend. Life is still not getting back on track. Just can't go along with the momentum.

Have been repeating the same song again and again, surprisingly it doesn't makes me sick but serves as a comfort.. That solitude, surreal. I can see you, but you are so far away, just like the beautiful moon, lone in a stretch of black canvas, standing out like no others.

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title: Chapter 3: Story of a Robber / Missing bullets
date: Sunday, April 22, 2012
time: 4:46 PM
April 14th, 2012 Starting with Adi's party, supposed to be a birthday celebration for him, but he insisted it's just a party. So yeah, a party.. I invited you and you said no. Then the girls took my phone and called you, and you said you might be coming with a friend. Y'know I was really happy back then, that you were coming. When I head downstairs to fetch you and your friend up to the condo. I was really nervous and confuse, it's not the alcohol that made me that way, it's the sight of you. Back in the condo, I couldn't calm down, so I went to get some lemons for the tequila. Managed to calm down a little after a walk.

After sending your friend off, we lay on the benches to talk for almost 2 hours. That moment, I hope it would last longer.

April 17th, 2012 That story about the Robber really made my day. I was on the bus when I read it and burst out laughing. All the passengers were shooting weird looks at me. But I couldn't help it. It's so cute for an adult to make a mistake like this. I promise I'll keep it a secret..! For now..!

April 22nd, 2012 Saw the photos on your Facebook. How you hold hands and take pictures with that guy. Can't help but feel jealous.. But that's not the thing that matters the most. We talked about the things in Singapore that are more special, mostly the things I haven't tried. We didn't try the bungee jump on Valentine's because you're running late, words that we'll try it next time. Though it's not a promise and there are no obligations. But when we met the next time, you've already tried it with your friends. First, it's the bungee jump.. Then the ice-skating. You know.. I really want to experience these, first-hand with you. But you went there with your friends.. I was even wondering if you're doing it on purpose..

It really sucks to know and accept the fact that I'm only a friend to you. A typical, do-not-communicate, friend. When you're my life's, special one. It's enough to see that you're happy. But I can't help but want something, a little more attention, more chances to see you or... just something.

I pray, I hope, I wish that one day you'll feel the same as I do towards you. After the amount of time and your actions that hurt me without even realising it, it's like you've held a gun and unknowingly shot me, 1 time, 3 times, 5 times. It killed my expectations and the will to try. But I haven't lost hope, like a paralysed man trying to reach for a cup of water. I'll wait, still hoping that one day, that one day I'll be able to drink that glass of water.

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title: good times
date: Saturday, April 7, 2012
time: 2:04 AM
Got my fixie yesterday, got to say it's sexy!! Alright so when the bike is delivered, the thunderstorm started, so i couldn't go out for a test drive. But it ended really soon, so i managed to ride it eventually. Seriously!? Who said its fun to ride a fixie!? Rode it for awhile only, and my whole left palm got a cramp, the gear is rigid, so there's a lot of pressure used almost on every part of the body. Tough! But i think I will get use and learn to skid soon.

You texted me first yesterday...! Was really happy, but i kinda feel that you're just upholding your words.. that you'll contact me. Hope I'm wrong, and it seems that we have nothing to talk about most of the time.. It's awkward, and I can't fully express myself... But my love for you is genuine..

Hope today will be a great day, oh yeah, yesterday's party was fun! Hanging out with friends, have lots of fun together. Great times, won't forget. Except that when they get drunk... they just start spouting nonsense... Because of that I don't drink much. It's low class to lose control of yourself. And I just abid to their request, don't want any of them to get angry.

Guess that's all for now, staying at Guan Tian's tonight! This place is too damn far from my house and I don't wanna waste the taxi fare.

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title: Chapter 2: Pain of truth
date: Saturday, March 31, 2012
time: 4:19 PM
Life took a sharp turn in these two days. I've to stop studying my Advanced Diploma until I pass my BS. MDIS is bent on wasting 2 months of my time, ruining the schedule of this year. So yes there won't be school for awhile..

Yesterday, had dinner with Jinfa and Wenjun. Had a really great time. Then we bought 12 cans to drink at my house. Drank rather quickly and Jinfa wanna go home early, we got tipsy really quick. After they left, I continued to drink in my room, need more alcohol for the courage to confess, cause I can't seem to keep it anymore..

Yes, was prepared for a negative answer. Truth hurts. Though it'll lift a big boulder off your heart, it puts a new, bigger one there, double-edged. The text messages were too painful to view again, guess I can only read them under the influence of alcohol.. Really want to read again.. Get the messages clearly into my mind, analyse...

The flow of life... Why did it lay so much pain in the thing I treasure the most..? I don't think I deserve it.. I don't go around and flirt.. Go in and out of relationship with different girls.. I treasure it.. Respect it.. It's something sacred..

It's another few years to suffer...

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title: Typical day with an unusual thought
date: Thursday, March 29, 2012
time: 10:00 AM
So it's only 10am now, watch shows 9.58am and the iPad shows 10.01am. 10 am would be simple. If only life is more direct and simple. Some things in life don't occur suddenly but over the time. Dilemma... The stress and pain you have to defend against..

Most of the things I do nowadays, the words 'give up' just keeps popping out in my mind.

Just got a call from my mum, went out of the class to talk. It got me really pissed, keep it short, my parents wants my brother and I to talk, but their actions shows otherwise. While at that, a guy sneezed really loud behind my back, seem intentional. Really loud, I wanna pick a fight with him with the mood at the moment.

Examination, failed, wanna give up. Trying to improve the relationship with my dad, want to give up. Loving you, don't want to give up but I'm at my limit...

What's the point of trying so hard..? When maybe you get nothing... And so what if you get it...? Pain still lurks around. I'm getting to understand Naomi, Midori and Kisuki... Why they committed suicide.. The pain... It never goes away.. As much as I want to see how far I can go in this life, I really want to end here, when one dies, everything ends, you'll be cut loose of this world, even yourself.

The word death never left my mind.

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