title: Chapter 2: Pain of truth Life took a sharp turn in these two days. I've to stop studying my Advanced Diploma until I pass my BS. MDIS is bent on wasting 2 months of my time, ruining the schedule of this year. So yes there won't be school for awhile..
Yesterday, had dinner with Jinfa and Wenjun. Had a really great time. Then we bought 12 cans to drink at my house. Drank rather quickly and Jinfa wanna go home early, we got tipsy really quick. After they left, I continued to drink in my room, need more alcohol for the courage to confess, cause I can't seem to keep it anymore.. Yes, was prepared for a negative answer. Truth hurts. Though it'll lift a big boulder off your heart, it puts a new, bigger one there, double-edged. The text messages were too painful to view again, guess I can only read them under the influence of alcohol.. Really want to read again.. Get the messages clearly into my mind, analyse... The flow of life... Why did it lay so much pain in the thing I treasure the most..? I don't think I deserve it.. I don't go around and flirt.. Go in and out of relationship with different girls.. I treasure it.. Respect it.. It's something sacred.. It's another few years to suffer... |
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title: Typical day with an unusual thought So it's only 10am now, watch shows 9.58am and the iPad shows 10.01am. 10 am would be simple. If only life is more direct and simple. Some things in life don't occur suddenly but over the time. Dilemma... The stress and pain you have to defend against..
Most of the things I do nowadays, the words 'give up' just keeps popping out in my mind. Just got a call from my mum, went out of the class to talk. It got me really pissed, keep it short, my parents wants my brother and I to talk, but their actions shows otherwise. While at that, a guy sneezed really loud behind my back, seem intentional. Really loud, I wanna pick a fight with him with the mood at the moment. Examination, failed, wanna give up. Trying to improve the relationship with my dad, want to give up. Loving you, don't want to give up but I'm at my limit... What's the point of trying so hard..? When maybe you get nothing... And so what if you get it...? Pain still lurks around. I'm getting to understand Naomi, Midori and Kisuki... Why they committed suicide.. The pain... It never goes away.. As much as I want to see how far I can go in this life, I really want to end here, when one dies, everything ends, you'll be cut loose of this world, even yourself. The word death never left my mind. |
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title: The path from here on Class is getting a lil boring although the lecturer was really funny today. He's a weird one though. I went to him today to pass up my assignment, but he didn't answer me and when I asked if he could help me staple my assignment together because I forgotten to, he asked me back, what is staple, I was confused, and just left the class.
Sometimes I'd look to my left as I sat on the far right of the table. Wishing that you were there, sitting in your usual place. Really wanna see you everyday like the past. Been wanting to get a bike but dad's being stingy. Man it really sucks, I hope I can buy things with my own money soon. Really hate depending on others. What else, I did have a lot to say but I've seem to forgotten most of it. It's all about you actually. Life's been like you've been a part of me already, whatever I do, whatever I feel I just hope I can share with you. Was really happy I could pass you the lecture book. Even more happy when you told me you like the portrait! But why didn't you ask about the letter... I was thinking if it had dropped out of the folder as its an A5 paper in an A4 folder. That's a confession letter in Chinese.. I was hoping you could ask what it means, then I'd confess.. I really wanna tell you what I feel. Hope that chance will come really soon. That's all for now.. |
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title: Thinking bout a good Title So.. blogging once again! Pardon me for my start as I've kinda forgotten how to start a post. Brief update!
After diploma ended, we have about 3 weeks of rest before Adv Diploma starts. Chose to continue to study 80% because of you, 20% because I've a little time to spend this year, don't wanna go into army so early, and other miscellaneous reasons. During the 3 weeks, went to Sentosa like about 3 times, went so many times because I didn't have the chance to go when I'm studying diploma. Most of my friends are studying and having exams too. Was really fun, and gathering with old, best, good friends, it's one of the most comfortable zone to be in. Then I went on a sudden vacation to Thailand! I stayed in Jirayu's dorm for 3 nights and 1 night in Pattaya. It was hell of a fun. First day, clubbing when I haven't slept for 42 hours, puke fest for me. Oh yeah before that, I reached the airport, I have to queue for 1hr 45min to get my luggage, and waited for another 6hrs for Jirayu to come and fetch me because he forgot I was coming that day.. Oh well, and the things there, are really cheap. 1 bottle of water in Singapore's 7 eleven will roughly be 2 dollars. In Thailand's 7 eleven, I bought 2 bottles of water, a meal and a bun, for Sgd roughly 3 dollars. Amazing.. And a meal there around Thailand, cost only about 50cents to 1dollar. It's really cheap, the quantity is sufficient and the food is really, really nice. Don't feel like going into the trip so much, cause I wanna type on something else. Anyway, got scammed for 2000 baht as the guy accused me of scratching the jet ski, just handed him the money as I'm on vacation there, the money isn't a lot and I don't want any trouble. Recently, have been living my life, trying to pack the days as much as possible, returning home later than supposed. Class from 8.30 to 11.30am, have lunch at the school's canteen with friends, then either go to the gym, read book, do more studying for what I've learned that day, go to the bookstore to find books, do some shopping. So, I will pack the day to the fullest, then return home, have dinner, use the computer for awhile then off to bed. Because as the sun set.. You will start to haunt me.. If I sleep too late, I'll be thinking of you so much, that I wouldn't be able to sleep. The heart hurts a lot. Y'know I've never woo a girl before, the first girlfriend I had, she did the wooing, so we got together, nothing hard. So it's the first time I'm wooing a girl, that's you. And the way you type, is really special. I can't, nor my friends can figure out whether you're interested in me or not. We all agree that the word 'unique' suits you. I thought that maybe it's because you're not so good with english. Thinking bout it, all these while, you only started the conversation with me thrice. Once, it was when you smsed to tell me you got the kite already. Then it was when you told you couldn't make it for dinner, and lastly, when you're leaving Singapore for Kazakhstan. I've totally no idea, confused about what to do. I really feel like I'm irritating, going too overboard, almost to stalking. But my friends told me it's normal, wooing is like this. And, you replied the facebook message, did you forget to reply the 2nd question..? Or merely didn't want to continue the chat..? Cause I'm really lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I've nobody to go to ask for advice. Show me please, or tell me what I mean to you. Let me know that I still have a chance, motivate me.. Every time of the day, I'm living in this daze, this empty feeling, hollow, solitary.. Today, I insisted to my friend for us to wait till break, before going to the gym. Got the chance to caught a glimpse of you. Was satisfied, and then, my heart shrunk, like wringing a wet cloth. It hurts, I was so happy to be able to see you, yet it's so painful. I immediately got up and walked away, as calm as I could, never turned back. It's torturing, my dear. How come it hurts so much to love someone. I shouldn't have got your number, I shouldn't have known you. I took the chance believing we will get somewhere I wished we were, but I drew the short straw. I'm still hoping, trying, struggling, not giving up. That one day memories you gave to me, it's vanishing, I'm trying very hard to preserve it, but fragments of it are slowly disappearing. I still can remember your singing, your accent, your scent, your smile. But they're blurring, it's like something is trying to erase it. Hey.. the Chinese lecture book is done.. So is the drawing of you. Hope I can give it to you one day. Some day. |
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